[music] VM: So I guess the motto for Teshuvah is not "don't look back". The motto is "pause and take time to look back". And so there are all kinds of ways that a person can build that in and then that's just step one, because then what are you going to do to effect repair? [music] DW: I'm Rabbi Deborah Waxman and I'm so happy to welcome you to Hashivenu, a podcast about Jewish teachings on resilience. This podcast looks at different resiliency practices in Jewish teaching and Jewish living. In this episode, I'm delighted to talk with my friend, and my teacher, and my colleague Rabbi Vivie Mayer. Vivie is a faculty member at the Reconstructionist Rabbinical College. She was one of my teachers and she serves now as the Director of the Bet Midrash here. We are going to talk about Teshuvah, about what is usually translated as "repentance". So, Vivie, thank you so much for being here. VM: My pleasure. DW: Can I ask you to begin with helping to unpack, to explain what is Teshuvah? VM: Well, the word Teshuvah comes from the root of "shav", coming back, coming back, coming back. And Teshuvah is, I would say, the belief and the principle that you can always come back. You're never stuck out there, or even when you feel like you're out there, out on a limb, or out on a ledge, there's always a path back, always a path to return. And I think different people would say that what you're returning to is a different place. Some people might say returning to center, some people use the metaphor of returning to a path, like you veered off the path, you're going back to the path, some people say returning to God, some people think of it as returning to self, or returning to truth, but I think it's a dynamic process. And all of us somehow go off center, or off the path, or off self, or off truth. And then, Teshuvah is this way that we come back, and the belief that we can always come back. DW: That's beautiful. We are heading into the high holiday season, which some people say High Holy Days, which is one translation of Yamim Noraim, the days of awe. They're also known as "Aseret Yemei Teshuvah", the Ten Days of Repentance. Can you talk about why Teshuvah is so central in general and in the high holiday season? VM: So, I think that Teshuvah is connected to every shifting moment. When the world shifts, it's an opportunity for assessment and recalibration. And as a dear friend of mine calls it, pressing the reset button. The change of a year, coming to the end of a year and starting a new year is a big moment for assessment, and self-examination, and decision-making. Am I happy with the path I'm on? Do I need to change something? Do I need to go back? Do I need to return to something? And I think, also, just the process of coming back around to a new year is a Teshuvah of the cycle of the year, going back from the end of the year to the beginning of the year. And so we spiritually are bringing ourselves back as the year is turning. And actually, Teshuvah is a daily practice, a weekly practice, a monthly practice, as waking up to a fresh day, and we say, "Every day that God is renewing creation, that's also a moment of Teshuvah, of saying, 'Okay, yesterday was yesterday. What do I want to do today? How do I continue yesterday's work in the direction that I set up or where do I need to change direction?'" So, every opportunity is of... When the outside environment is changing, is a moment for Teshuvah. DW: For us to turn in and to do the internal work that matches and rises to the opportunity that the external world, if we're paying attention, invites us to... VM: Yes, exactly. This is [the] lesser known custom of Yom Kippur Katan, which is the eve of every new moon, is there's some people... I've never done this and I still want to put this on my list, but people observe a fast day on the day before the Rosh Chodesh, the day before the new moon. And, look at the moon, how it's disappeared, and is now renewing, and take that as a model of "Okay, last month is gone. And now how do I want to step into this new month?" That's a miniature Yom Kippur, and here, in Tishrei, we do the big Yom Kippur. DW: This is the... I think, the challenge I have with when folks only come to synagogue just at the high holidays is that it's such a peak experience, like these are these big themes and ideally it's a build up of a series of practices that we're doing. So if Yom Kippur is the most solemn day of the year and the opportunity to do this repentance, it's a lot easier to do that if you're doing it on a continuous basis rather than trying to get it all. It's not really a once and done process. VM: Absolutely. Absolutely. And yet, if you haven't been doing it all year, the year comes to an end and a new year begins and there you are. So [it] happens to you also, and I guess the best thing is when things are happening to you and you're going along with them, with your accompanying practices. DW: That's right. That's right. That's right. And so, right, it's an opportunity that you don't want to miss. Whether it's ... a course that you've set yourself on, or all of a sudden, here we are, let's get down to this work. VM: And so you started off, you said, the Ten Days of Repentance and actually Yom Kippur is the tenth, the last day of repentance. And so from Rosh Hashanah to Yom Kippur there are these ten days of build up, but even before that, there's the... Those 10 days are the last 10 days of the 40 days, which start with the month of Elul, which is the month of Teshuvah that prepares us for that shift. And even before Elul, in the middle of the summer, we start reading the book of Deuteronomy, which is the last book of the five books of the Torah, and that entire book is a teaching of Teshuvah. In a way, that is: [after] the story of the four first books, the story's over, because there we are at the end of the fourth book, at the Jordan River, ready to cross and then it takes the whole fifth book to stand there and not cross. [laughter] VM: At the end of the book we still haven't crossed, but I see that the rhythm of reading the parashat ha-shavua, the weekly Torah readings, as bringing us closer and closer to that end of the year, like that moment that we're going to cross the Jordan and step into the land of Israel, but actually we're going to cross the Jordan and then flip back to the first book of the first — Parashat Bereshit. But the whole book of Deuteronomy is about prediction: that you're going to go into your settled life, everything's going to go well, you're going to get complacent and you're going to forget everything that you've been through in these first four books, and you're going to create distance between you and the Presence. You and the Divine. You and God. And then you will turn back, you'll come back, you'll want to come back 'cause you'll feel that distance. So that's the stuff that we're reading as we come into Elul, come into Rosh Hashanah, come into Yom Kippur. DW: It's perfect. So you're raising up that, you're talking about the literary and the religious themes of our sacred texts, how Deuteronomy functions, as an instruction or an example. We can read it as an example of Teshuvah. Then that's built into the cycle of the year, as well, that that's exactly the literary and religious reading that we're doing as we are invited into doing this self work, as we head into that high holiday season. Can you share some practices, either traditional or more contemporary, that help us in this Heshbon HaNefesh, the steps of Teshuvah and the practices that support this pathway toward repair and toward repentance? VM: Well, one thing, I'm thinking of Deuteronomy and the danger that Deuteronomy describes, that you're going to get fat, and settled, and complacent, and forget. So, I'm thinking to inquire into what is it that's causing the distance, and I guess so the Heshbon HaNefesh of this self-inquiry into what is causing the distance. I guess first, it means you need to acknowledge that there is distance that you want to bridge. So before talking about practices, I want to mention Maimonides and his framework for Teshuvah, which is that the first step is acknowledging what you've done and feeling regret. I think, for so many people, even just stopping to look at, "Is there something that I'm regretting? Is there something that I wish wasn't so?" That takes a pausing, and I think that could be through a daily practice of before you go to bed, or... There's built-in Teshuvah practices in the bedtime Sh'ma where we just review the happenings of the day. So that is a moment where someone, lying in bed before inviting sleep, can catalogue through and say, "Is there something that I regret for today?" And the Rambam's, Maimonides', next step is confession. So there's regret, there's confession, which means either in prayer to God, if it's a personal thing. But if there's another person involved, then there's a confession before people. And then the third step is coming back into that same situation and not doing what you had done. So the practice of Teshuvah is a dynamic practice that involves many steps. So...how do we come, bring ourselves to that place of examination and regret? I could imagine with a spirit buddy working... Meeting with a musar group or journaling, or having a certain time of day where you just review. I guess the motto for Teshuvah is not "Don't look back," the motto is "Pause and take time to look back." And so they're all kinds of ways that a person can build that in, and then that's just step one, because then, what are you going to do to effect repair? DW: Right, so looking back in the service of moving forward, but it's not in a straight line, it's in this cyclical line. There's a teaching that I've heard you teach about how Teshuvah is built into the very fabric of the universe when God created the world. VM: The world was predicated on Teshuvah. DW: And so that idea that we will err, we will wander, we will forget. VM: That is built in. Yes. DW: And so too, there is the possibility and the pathway toward returning. When you were speaking at the beginning about the Hebrew roots, that's the way that this conversation is related to this entire podcast is, here today, we're talking about Teshuvah, and the ways that it's part of everyday life, and that we have a season of real focus on it. And Hashivenu is from that... When you hear the "sh" and the "ve" sound, it's from the same root. And that's in an active form, that God should return us in a traditional, so that... And I think that's also part of the foundation of the world, that... In a partnership somehow. VM: And you also... You just got me excited because this Hashivenu verse connects Tisha B'Av and Yom Kippur. DW: So, for the 9th? VM: The 9th of Av, which is the low point in the Jewish calendar, where we mourn the destruction of the temple and the Exile, with a capital E. And we read the book of Eicha, the book of Lamentations. And the last verse that we read is this Hashivenu, "Bring us back to you and we will come back," and we read it very plaintively with: [chanting in the traditional trope for Eicha] Hashivenu Adonai elecha v'nashuva. Hadesh yameinu ke-kedem. VM: And then that verse comes back again in the Selichot Davening and in the Yom Kippur Davening, where we sing: [chanting in the melody for High Holiday services] Sh'ma koleinu, Adonai Eloheinu, khus v'rakheym aleynu, ve-kabel berakhamim u-veratzon et tefilateynu. Hashivenu Adonai elecha v'nashuva. Hadesh yameinu ke-kedem. VM: So we are connecting this whole span of those seven weeks of Deuteronomy to Yom Kippur of Tisha B'Av, the 9th of Av to Yom Kippur with that "Hashivenu." DW: And the historical experience of the Jewish people that was both a literal experience, and mined deeply for religious significance with the experience of individual Jews, seeking on that local level along with a national or an ethno-national level, along with trying to come into right order somehow with the entire universe. VM: Yes, from disconnection to connection. From lost to found. DW: That's right. That's right. Oh, so lovely. So it's beautiful, beautiful to talk about this conceptually and it's hard to do. It's one of the reasons I was asking about practices. Certainly I think that's true in all times and one of the reasons there are so many practices built into Judaism, is because I think it's been hard for humans to do all along if it's in our nature to wander, and to get out of alignment and this is the redemptive piece that this is built in. In the modern, in the post-modern time, I think it's especially hard. And so many of my days, I'm just running, running, running, and when I'm not in meetings, or trying to do self-care like exercising, I'm often on my phone, you know. Because there's that 24/7 availability... That's one of the reasons for me and Shabbat, it's so important to step back from technology. So to carve out the time to look... Well, to feel, "What am I feeling?", and to look at what I'm doing in a reflective way, in a way that might suggest changes, I think it's really hard to do. So I'm always grateful for the High Holiday season, because it's a big kick in the tush. VM: Yes! And it frames... It says this is the theme, because it's so big... If it is such a big thing that the whole world is predicated on it, it's all the time, everyday, then when do you do it. But this kind of... Yeah, a nice kick to do it. When you said, "What are the practices?" It's hard to do, so I... It is hard to do, and I also want to repeat what Sylvia Boorstein says about breathing, that everytime you breathe, it's an act of Teshuvah, because you're coming back to the breath. I don't know if she says everytime you notice that you've breathed, it's an act of Teshuvah, or every time you breathe. Maybe it's every time you notice that you breathe. And we could do that right now and just breathe. [Pause] There, just noticing that we've breathed, it's settling, it's a settling... You're coming back. I hear her voice say, "Come back to the breath, come back to the breath." So that's this simple Teshuvah. And I think Shabbat also is this "come back, back to the beginning, back to the beginning." So a lot of little built-in things. But it's true, if we don't stop for all those wonderful built-in mechanisms, we're going to miss all of them. DW: Yeah, and then the opportunities that arise. Part of... I'm very committed to a daily practice, and I guess a nightly practice, of a bedtime Sh'ma. So there's a teaching that before we go to sleep, we say the Sh'ma. And there's a whole bunch of text and liturgy written up around it, and I say the Reconstructionist version, which is four paragraphs, it's not so long. And I started it, actually, because I had terrible insomnia. I think I've been doing it for 20 years now every night, except when I'm sick, I think, a couple times, I've crashed without it. And I started mostly 'cause I was trying to ritualize my sleep. And one of the reasons sometimes I don't sleep well is 'cause I'm kinda caught up in hurts or in resentments. So I had this really fascinating experience... Because sometimes Teshuvah is about... It's all about relationship with ourselves, with other people, and if you have a conception of God, with the divine. And so it begins with reflection, including about forgiving other people, which is part of this process. And a couple nights ago, I went to bed angry, which is not always a great thing to do, and I started this ritual which I know by heart. And I was paying attention to the words and I thought... And I was angry, I had been hurt, but in truth, I think I had done more hurting. And I thought, "Am I ready, really? Am I ready to forgive? Am I ready to ask for forgiveness?" But I was really stuck with where I was. And so that was really interesting, to be like, "So what does that mean? Should I not say the bedtime Sh'ma? Should I stop the... " I was really tripped up by this... VM: So the ritual made you confront... DW: Yeah, that which I really didn't want to confront. And so then I went to sleep, and then the next day set about on the work of repair. I probably would've done it without that, but definitely my evening reflection helped. Part of what was astonishing to me was thinking, two days later, when I was doing a morning practice I do of saying how grateful I am to God for returning my soul to me, and I was thinking about, "Well, what do I feel grateful about?" I never could have imagined feeling as whole as I do right now. 48 hours ago everything felt broken. I was definitely lost, the image of being lost in the wilderness, that felt very acute. And I think mostly because I said, "I'm sorry," more that than the other person saying, "Yes, I'm sorry too", we had restored the relationship, there was a lot of repair, and I felt whole again. And I just felt so much gratitude for the opportunity to begin again, which felt unimaginable at the moment of deepest pain, and felt so grateful. It wasn't magic, it was work. VM: And transformative... DW: Yeah. VM: And then the story... See, 'til the Teshuvah moment, the story goes one way and then when Teshuvah happens, the whole story is a new story with a happy ending. DW: That's right. VM: And then that hard moment, that just becomes a kind of dynamic in the plot. DW: Right. But it's not a fairy tale story, that's the thing, is that it's not "and happily ever after..." because it's going to happen again tomorrow. VM: Right. Because then it's the end of the chapter, and then there's another dynamic plot in the next chapter which we do Teshuvah for, and again, and again, and again as long as we're alive. DW: So can we end? Is there a chant that you might want to share that you think helps to orient us toward the work of opening ourselves, and doing the work of finding our way back to wholeness and to renewal? VM: There's a chant that Rabbi Shefa Gold wrote. The words are from Shir Hashirim, Song of Songs. And the words are..."Dodi tzafanti lakh." It's, "My love I have hidden for you." It's part of a longer verse that says, "All of my delicious fruits, old and new, I have stored away for you." And I love this chant as focusing on my heart and the hidden things in my heart that... I remember that these hidden things are... I want to share them with my beloved, and not be ashamed of them. Chanting this is an antidote to shame, I think, and I think shame is one of, perhaps, the biggest obstacles to Teshuvah, it blocks even starting in the process. So: [chanting]: Dodi tzafanti lakh. DW: Thank you, Vivie, for your teaching, for your heart, and for your beautiful song. Thank you. VM: My pleasure. Thank you. [music] DW: This podcast was created and hosted by Rabbi Deborah Waxman. Production and editing by Rachael Burgess, logistics and scheduling by Marie Berger. Web support provided by Rabbi Michael Fessler. Social media and communication support by Bob Bershad, Victoria Guentter, Elena Jackendoff, and Bryan Schwartzman. Our theme song was composed by Chana Rothman. Please visit our website at www.jewishrecon.org, and follow us on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. [music]